Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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