I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
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My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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