He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
