it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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