I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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