I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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