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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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