I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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