I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Your topless pictures make me question reality
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
