Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
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