Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
