Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
