Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
why do cheetos always look like penises
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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