piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
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