you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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