you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
