You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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