I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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