I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Randomize
