you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
