Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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