How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
