don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
