dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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