I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
