so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I woke up under a house in Key West
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