Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
