I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
