if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
