I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Randomize
