im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Sorry my hands just texted you
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
