Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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