Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
