So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Found your dick twin last night
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Randomize
