I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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