Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
