The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Randomize
