tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
