I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
