Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
You need a sexual gate keeper
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
