We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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