My sheets look like a crime scene.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Randomize
