My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Randomize