We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Randomize
