My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
