the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
