oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize