her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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