I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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