I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
