I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
