Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
