Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize
