Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
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