Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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