Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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