Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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