I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Randomize
