Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
