you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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