do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
