lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
