im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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